…my mom…

There’s no photo to share here. I’m writing this solely for my own selfish reasons and to get it out of my head. I have tried, over the years, to do other things to make things right in my soul besides put trouble into words and send them off into online land. I write in notebooks too. Sometimes I write on scraps of paper or in the back of books. Somehow in all of these years that I’ve been alive this is how I deal with things. I write. I write it down and in the process I figure it out. There’s always hope in my mind that making my writings public will do some good somewhere. I don’t know how but my heart tells me to let whomever read whatever. I have nothing to hide.

When I was a teen I kept journals. I knew that my mom was sneaking peeks and I knew that my sister Wendi was as well. Sometimes I’d leave little side notes in my journals for them; “Hi mom!”. Neither of them ever talked about it if they saw them. I’ve never been one who cared if others know what I’m up to. If I’m doing something I’ll talk about it. I don’t care who else talks about it either. I don’t really keep secrets about myself. Honestly if people can’t handle me and my life that’s a problem of theirs not mine. As a teenager it was of course my mom’s business but she never did anything to reel me in. I guess she just wanted to know what was up so she and my sister read my journals. I can’t remember exactly but I’m pretty sure that my sister told me once or twice that the two of them snooped on my stuff. I’m pretty sure that I didn’t care.

So all of these years later and my mom is turning eighty-five this year. My sister has been gone for fifteen months now and I haven’t spoken to my mom in three. This is the longest I’ve ever gone with no communication with her and at first it was distressing but now I’ve just come to accept it and it’s not surprising in the least. It’s a little hurtful to be sure, because this is my mom and although we haven’t had a super close relationship for years now she’s still my mom and I love her. It’s helped me to make sense of so many things though…this barrier to honest communication that’s taken place. It’s helped me to see that this isn’t just one incident but this has been taking place with her my entire life. This is why my birth family has never been close like most families are. I’ve never felt any sort of family loyalty or strong ties to any of my siblings or my mom since back when my dad died in the 80s. My dad passing brought out family to an end. I’ve always kind of known it and I’ve even written about it but suddenly it’s crystal clear since my mom and step dad have decided that I can’t be in their lives anymore.

The short story is… On Christmas Eve of 2021 I received a phone call at 10:30 at night from my parents. I thought it was an emergency because they typically go to bed at 7 or 8. When I answered they were both on a phone and started talking about how someone told them that I want to take their house away from them and take all of their money. This apparently stemmed from a Facebook post I made about my mom not wanting to talk to me when she had been briefly hospitalized. I STILL don’t know for sure why she was in the hospital because my dad (step-dad) said it was because she didn’t know she was diabetic. She did know and was supposed to be getting insulin injections every day. The last time I was at their house, which is two hours away, he was giving her the insulin. In any case I tried to get ahold of her and the nurse said she didn’t want to talk to me or to have anyone give me information. This is in stark contrast to how we’ve lived our lives until then as I’m usually the one that handles her medical stuff. In any case I posted about it on social media. I said that my mom was in the hospital and didn’t want to talk to me. As is the case with social media friends of hers and people whom I know replied with their ideas. One comment was to try to get a medical power of attorney to which I said something along the lines of “yeah that’s a good idea”.

My step-dad has his own kids and then he has kids that aren’t his but that he raised who are all older than me. I was 21 when he and my mom married and they were all in their thirties. I have thought that we were all friendly with each other. I’ve been grateful that they love my mom and call her family. Truly. But now that my mom and he are near the end of their lives the greed has taken over it seems and his side of the family is itching to get their hands on his money. It’s always been a topic of conversation. Literally always. When my mom married him and for all of the thirty+ years since, everyone in their world knows that he has a lot of money. He won’t spend it. He’s never spent it. He is the type to say that he’s broke and will never spend money on anything without it being a real big issue even though he has hundreds of thousands in the bank. He always says that he can’t afford stuff. Always. Because of his miserly ways and the fact that he was a log scaler for most of his life his worth is pretty grand. His. Not hers. My mom went into their marriage with nothing but her 401k cash-out of approximately $10,000 which they’ve told me over the years went into the bank and is still there. I’ve known for years that my mom had a checking account that he would top off every month so she could have her own money. Not that it mattered because he never let her drive and they live far out of town, so she never got to use the money unless she ordered things from catalogs. She did that from time to time but typically my step dad took care of everything in my mom’s life. Similar to how things worked when my dad was alive and the reason behind everything falling apart after he died.

So… one of my step-dad’s daughters decided that the replies I received on my Facebook post about my mom were my weird and thoughts instead of whomever wrote them. And she decided that she’d tell my parents that I was trying to take their home. I tried to tell them both that I don’t give two tiddly winks about their money or their house. This is the honest to God truth and none of it is my mom’s in any case so I’ve never thought it would ever come my way no matter. I don’t want it. I don’t care about it. I don’t even think about it. I have my own house. I have a great life and it’s never been about wealth. Ever. Period.

Greedy people just assume that others are greedy as well. It’s not the first time in my life that others can’t grasp the concept that money doesn’t drive me. It’s not the first time in my life that someone has taken their own thoughts and ideas and portrayed them as mine. This is the first time though that it’s brought about a wall between my mom and myself. My dad’s kids want his money. Everyone knows that in our lives. They think that I want his money too. And sure money would be great but he’s not my dad. I’ve never expected anything from him beyond loving my mom and taking care of her. He owes me nothing and I’m perfectly fine with that. I didn’t marry him. My mom married him and I absolutely know that his wealth was a major player in her decision making at the time. I’m not my mom. I’m me. My husband is not even close to being wealthy. I married my husband because he is my best friend and the love of my lifetime. We don’t have money and we are completely happy with our marriage and our life together. I’m not my mom. I will never be my mom. I don’t want her money or his money or anyone’s money. Truly. But those who do want it can’t fathom not being greedy so they assume things. So they (my parents) told me what they heard and I told them the truth and my step-dad said the person who told him that I want their house is someone that he trusts so he doesn’t believe me. I thought I was someone that they both trusted but I guess I got that wrong. So that was that. The next day; Christmas Day, my mom called to say Merry Christmas but she wasn’t talking like she normally does and that was the last I’ve heard of either of them. I’ve called and he won’t let me talk to my mom. My step dad just acts cold on the phone and tells me that my mom is busy and can’t talk. I know that she’s not “busy” as she can’t even walk but that’s what he says so I just let it go. I sent her a letter but never got any response. Years ago when they did basically the same thing with my oldest sister I was told that she sent my mom a letter too. He never let my mom see it. Both of them told me that it was filled with obscenities so he threw it away. I kind of believed it when it happened because my oldest sister is somewhat rough around the edges. Now I know that it most likely was a nice letter the same as mine but he tells her what he wants her to believe and she follows along. My mom has always been controlled by men… when she was a kid, after her mom died and in both of her marriages. She just floats through life doing what whatever man in her life tells her to do. She married my dad when she was eighteen. She was alone for six years after my dad died and then married my step-dad. It’s all that she knows in life.

So now I guess my relationship with them both is done. I know that to others who have close relationships with their parents it probably seems cold and callous to just accept it and move on. I’ve struggled with it for months now and finally came to grips with the fact that they choose what happens in their lives. I choose what happens in mine. They don’t want me in theirs… so be it. That’s pretty much the story of my life with my birth family and it’s not painful or surprising anymore. My surviving sister hasn’t been in my mom’s life for probably ten years now because of some rift that my step-dad turned into a big deal. Now it’s my turn. The only thing that I think now is that during my life I’ve always been great to my mom. I’ve always held her up to a higher standard of treatment than the ordinary person and no matter what she’s done to me or how she’s treated me I’ve never treated her bad or spoke bad to her ever. She’s lied to me and about me numerous times and I’ve quietly let it go. I never do that with others. I cannot handle dishonesty and I get pretty damn angry when it happens anywhere near me. My mom has always been the exception. She has been a person who makes things up my whole life and I’ve known it. We’ve all known it and we all just let it happen. We were made to not speak up when we were kids and she was not telling the truth about whatever it was being spoke of. It was never anything serious… minor things… like what people said to her in public or what she did during the day while we were with her. She just fabricates everything and she always has and for some reason our entire family has just let her do it. I’ve never been mean to her. I mean that with complete sincerity. I’ve been angry with her but I’ve never told her or expressed my anger to her. I’ve always held on to the mom I experienced as a small child… the good and loving woman who nurtured me so sweetly. She was fantastically kind to all of us kids until we reached ten or twelve then she just disappeared emotionally and we all had plenty of scars to prove it. It’s only my oldest sister and I now. My dad passed. My brother passed. My other sister passed. My birth family is pretty close to being a thing of the past. It feels like my mom will probably be leaving this world without making amends with me. If that’s what she chooses to do then that’s what she chooses to do. I’ve made my amends. As frustrating as it is I know that I’ve done my best with her. I’ve treated her kindly and I’ve been respectful to her my whole life. I’ve been the same with my step-dad. I know that the fault isn’t mine. I have no burden to carry when it comes to them.

All I can say today is that I hope that money is worth it to those family members who will stop at nothing to get it. I hope they buy whatever it is that makes them happy. I would absolutely hate it if my own daughters only thought of me as someone who will give them money once I die. How horrible is that??? I’m grateful for my life and my little family that was made with love. We are honest with each other and that means more than all of the money in the world. I love my mom. She knows that I love her. What she does with that is her thing. It’s done. I pray that my step-dad let’s me know if she passes away. You’d think that would be a common courtesy but you never know. To him I don’t deserve to know. So be it.