I don’t like Alaska. I try, I honestly do and even though technically I’m a “native” Alaskan by birth I am not an actual Native American. I would absolutely love to say that I am as native Americans are so beautiful with their tanned skin and dark hair. I’d love to be able to understand where I came from and the history of my family. I’m English/Scottish/Dutch by heritage standards I guess. But I was born in Alaska and my family left when I was one and returned when I was 13, so Alaska is really the only place that I’ve considered to be home since moving back as a teen. I left again in my early thirties with my daughters, who just happen to be part Native American no thanks to myself for that but instead, their dad. I had the intention of never returning because I’ve never truly liked it here. Yet in 2014 I found myself once again in Alaska and it’s been my safe haven so to speak while I recover and recoup and try to heal my broken spine. For this I am and I will be eternally grateful and as lame as it sounds today as I’m sitting here I am thankful that I haven’t become homeless, although it could’ve in all reality turned out that way. I have a warm home and bed and two birds that I love and food whenever I want it. I think that I have lost the love that I came here for…he seems gone, but then again nothing seems completely normal right now so it could just be me being weird again.
I only come here and write when my life is a little messed up. Of course I don’t have to figure things out when I’m happy and life is full of joy HaHa. Happiness can just be and doesn’t need explaining and absolutely doesn’t need to be explained to get it out of my head. My life isn’t the greatest right now. It’s not even particularly kind-of okay, but I’m trying to hang on and remember what I have back in Idaho and remember who I am when I’m not is such a weakened state of mind. I’m not a weak woman and I know it. I also know that I’ve probably let this spinal atrocity take over a part of me that I never even knew existed before. I never knew I’d fall and not be able to get back up. Up until my surgery I honestly thought that I was kind of invincible and now that I know that I’m not it’s consumed me and I pretty much spend every waking hour thinking about what I’ve lost and trying to figure out how I’m going to survive for another 50 years, God willing I get that much more time to try to get it right. I have kind of given in to my ailments and honestly that is NOT the woman I once was. I do many different things physically to become stronger. I have actually gotten in pretty good shape in the past year with the stretches and yoga and physical therapy that I do to try to get back to my former self. I’m so self aware these days…so in tune with how my body works and what it’s feeling and how to soothe it. That’s something to be proud of I suppose. Now if I could just do that with my mental self, I’d be great.
So like I said I don’t like Alaska. It’s beautiful over here on the mainland but not as beautiful as Kodiak, yet Kodiak is an island and far too secluded to be a place where I’d want to be. I just want to go back to the sun and real stores and to people who aren’t fighting winter by abusing drugs and killing people. And although this is where I’ve spent the majority of my life I am not “Alaskan” like the other people who live here. I don’t want to be out trekking through the snow. I don’t like for it to be dark at noon. It’s very depressing here and that’s another reason why I need to get out soon. The longer I stay here with him and with the absolute disinterest he shows me or anything that I’m doing…the more depressed I become. I know that I can’t give in to it. I can’t just let it take me over and sleep all day, although I really so badly do want to just stay in bed all day. I wish that I could wake up and be done with this entire episode of my life. I wish I could be back in my life of not worrying about who loves me and being lied to and feeling inadequate when compared to another woman. And I still have to keep in mind that through out my life I have many times assumed certain things to be true based upon my own anxieties and insecurities, so just because I’m looking at a situation a certain way doesn’t mean it’s the actuality of the situation. I act to all of the world as if I very much love myself but it’s not completely true and this fact brings about a lot of self-abuse in my mind. It seems as if I’m constantly thinking that others feel towards me the way that I do. I feel like such a huge failure…so…I do understand that sometimes I project my own ideas into how others are acting towards me. But in my life right now it’s truly hard to tell what exactly is going on. I’m having a lot of anxiety and even more signs of depression and the combination work together to make a kind of self made prison. It’s getting harder and harder to escape from it these days. I’m not sure what to do. The things that I KNOW need to happen: 1) I need to be able to find something that helps me move around like a normal person without my body screaming out in pain, 2) I need to have an income and stop depending upon other people to take care of me and this will only happen if I…3) finally get approved for SSDI or I get better and can go back to work and 4) I need to get back to my family and the people who think like me, talk like me and love like me…the people who get me and who I get in return.
I had another procedure done on my neck last week and what at first seemed like a breakthrough has now turned into some kind of nightmare pain that nothing will take away. I’m stuck here on this Sunday waiting for it to be Monday so that I can call my Dr. and see if something has went wrong. It’s Daylight Savings Time and the clocks got pushed forward in the middle of the night so that adds to the weirdness of my day too as it does with darn near everyone, I’m sure. While I don’t feel well I tend to entertain myself with my phone and doing a lot of browsing on social media and such. I don’t even know why I keep doing this because I almost always get grouchy these days with the stuff that I read online. I wonder what’s happening in the world and why is everyone being so mean and hurtful? It seems like the world I knew as a kid and even just twenty years ago has just slipped away and turned into this hateful ugly place. I notice it most while I’m here in Alaska. Although I’m not living in my hometown I do keep up with the news and have a multitude of friends over there on the island. That town and those people…they helped me raise my daughters…I became an adult there in Kodiak and have always given that island credit for helping me to become a rational and responsible adult even though it was a very tough place to raise children on my own. The people there stepped up and helped me when I was in need, I have two ex-husbands over there and Rick and I met there as teens. I’ve always considered Kodiakans to be my people. I can’t grasp the negativity I feel from that place these days. They have their own social media pages and I joined ten years ago and have always enjoyed knowing what was going on and seeing the beauty of the island and those who choose to live there. Today I sit here disgusted at the moral low ground I see on a daily basis from that beautiful place. People calling each other names because of their political opinions, bashing each other personally when in fact what they are arguing about is something nobody can change no matter what they do. I’ve removed myself from their hate filled sites now just to give myself a little bit of peace of mind. The new President has brought about much hatred all over the world from people who claim that they don’t want to live in a world full of hatred…yet they’re the ones calling each other profanities and destroying property and just losing their freaking minds over the smallest things. The President doesn’t really have anything to do with Kodiak except that it seems as if the whole world is out of control right now and it maybe seems more prevalent to me when it comes to Kodiak because it is such a small and secluded town. I don’t like it.
A part of me feels as if I’m ill equipped to deal with the stuff going on up here in Alaska surrounding me. Not that I’m different or better or any crazy thing like that, but more-so I am just not on the same level of angry or mean that is going on here. I don’t do well with mind games and dishonesty. The Lord made me the way that I am and I actually went through a lot of struggle and a lot of years of working on myself deep inside to become the kind of person who is honest and loyal. I haven’t always been the way I am now. I have done a lot of terrible things in my past. I’ve lied and I’ve hurt people and I’ve caused some destruction with others feelings and hearts along the way. I did though start to focus on myself and made an outright attempt to right the wrongs in my personality and the way that I treat people and deal with the world. Ten or fifteen years later it’s just become natural to me to tell the truth and even when it’s a hurtful truth I’ve become accomplished at finding a kind and tactful way of presenting it. I don’t expect everyone to do this but I can use it as an example of how I’m not carrying the right armor to be here in this cold state with all of the things taking place that just stab at my heart and make me question if being a good and honest person is even a good idea anymore. I feel so alone here. I cannot find a single soul that is like me. I just try to keep my mind on home, Idaho, and my family and the happiness that they have in their hearts and in their lives. I try to bring up my grandbabies sweet happy faces when I’m feeling so upended. I feel myself being weird and I don’t even know how to stop it. I feel myself shutting down and putting up thick walls around myself…I hear myself talking and pretending that I’m just living my life but in reality that’s not what’s happening at all. Inside everything is screaming that I need to get away from here before this place destroys me. I don’t want to become bitter and dishonest and grumpy. I’m a laugher…I crave silliness and sunshine. I can’t handle the judging, the insults, the deception that comes from the people that I used to admire and to love. I’m not sure how things got so bad yet here they are. The world has turned ugly and nobody even seems to notice. I notice though and it stresses me out especially when it comes from a place that has until this year been the comfort zone of my life.
I replay scenes from my real life…my life before the surgeries and the pain and the wreckage took over. The smell of my backyard on a summer evening…the sound of the frogs that I could never find but always hear. My dogs wandering around wherever I went…moving the sprinklers around the lawn in the setting sun so that my grass stayed green. Imagine that: there was a time in my life when my problem was the lawn remaining green throughout the entire summer…keeping up with the Jones’. I constantly think about going to bed at night and the routine the dogs and I went through and then the safe knowledge that I was in my own bed in my own home and everything was right in the world. I want that back. I want to hear my grandsons come in the back door and bake them cookies and walk around looking for cool rocks and bugs. I so miss that I could walk out the back door and hop into my car and drive away…to anywhere and wherever. I had such an optimistic and bright view of the world and although many tragedies had taken place in my life I was still able to see the good and to be grateful for any little thing. I want that person back and yet that is the woman who can’t handle this body and this life and the harshness of Alaska and it’s people. I thought I was strong then and maybe I was but I’m just not now and honestly it pisses me off. I feel like I need a hand, a step up and darn break…and yet I know it’s not going to come from this place or these people or myself in these surroundings. It’s just so frustrating and I don’t know what to do so I just pray and ask the Lord to guide me and sometimes I imagine that even He is tired of me and my requests and my poor outlook on the future and life in general. I’ve felt Him leading me my entire life and yet today I feel as if I can’t feel Him or hear Him and I wonder what is going on in my world that the Lord seems so distant when He’s been my constant companion for forty-plus years. I need to get moving and get better so I can get up and do what needs to be done. I don’t belong here. It’s been an awful couple of days and I know that it shows in every aspect of who I am….my face, my attitude, my responses to people around me…the way I’m loving and being loved in return. Something is just not right in the world right now and I find myself right now again asking the Lord to take me home. My real home…to live with him and to be able to put all of this to rest. I just want to be…to live without physical and mental pain. No tricks. No lies. No deceptions or backstabbing. No anger or hatred. I want beauty and peace and to be with people who love me as I love them. Sounds like Heaven to me.